chaos personified.

that's pretty much life.

so i had a day long retreat full of seminars today. and what did i learn? that i'm not sure where i'm going with my life and/or how the decisions i make now shape my future. i suppose that's just something that comes with being relatively young, and i'll figure it out as i go along. but two seminars in particular [time management & self-awareness] made me realize that i don't put enough time in doing the things i really love to do. or the things i really want to do. i guess i didn't really give much thought about the things i do now. i've always felt like i've been on track, and i still feel that way.. i just don't think that i push or motivate myself to become more. potential is such a funny word. it's something that you always have, but never exactly reach. there's always room for improvement, as they say. but is there anything wrong with being content with how things are now?

as far as decisions go.. i see myself as being pretty versatile. i'm flexible, i like spontenaity and in constant need of change. i treat things almost carefree. in realizing the way i am, i've also come to find that though i'm content with my own decisions, others are affected as well. they may not see things the way i do or are as flexible and understanding as i am. i never realized how sensitive to others' ways of dealing with things is important.

i've always had this little way about me.. more like a model or a personal motto.. to live in the NOW. be in the present and just worry about that. live for today. however, i didn't know how important the future really is.. and not just 5.. 10 years from now.. but even as simply as tomorrow. i guess one thing that has kept me from being really motivated or inspired by certain things is fear or fear of the unknown. have you ever had this belief or way about you that you always stuck to? you didn't want to change this way about you? then all of a sudden, you do something.. contrary to that belief. things feel like they're messed up. like you're going against what you stand for. isn't that just called "change?" yeah it is. kind of scary. what's scarier is how to accept it. well.. like i said, i kind of like change. but when you've felt so strongly about something, then suddenly your views change cause of a decision you make.. it's really hard to go about things in the "right" way. or is there even a "right" way.

right now i'm at a point where i can't distinguish heart and mind. i don't know the difference especially when i feel something inside saying something to me. it's more difficult to listen to either when something you deemed "bad" turns out to be not so bad.. and maybe, a good thing. good things scare me. hah!

i'm really hoping the decisions i make here on out aren't jeopardizing and that whatever comes out of them, God will give me the strength to deal with accordingly. i hope people affected by my decisions understand that they were made with the desire of good intentions. of course not everything turns out that way.. i'm mostly nervous about how people will change me and how i notice them doing so.

at least i know that i'm actively making decisions and not just sitting back letting fate dictate my life. i'm glad i'm existential to some extent.. but maybe i'll also just let fate play a little role and see where it takes me.