rambles influenced by a productive yet exhausting morning.

first i would just like to say that I HATE FINALS, WRITING ANALYTICAL IN DEPTH PAPERS, BEING STRESSED, and WORRYING IF I'M EVEN GONNA PASS MY CLASSES!! i hate feeling like a dumbass. i'm soo close to graduating!!! two more semesters! but i don't want this semester to screw me over. i've had too much to deal with, especially with family, campus programming, and just my overal sanity that i knew i should've taken a break. however, mother would definitely not allow it. i've never felt so unmotivated to do work and be enthusiastic about my academic endeavors. up til now i've been eager to learn and do well, but now i almost don't give a fuck about doing what needs to be done, but during crunch time turns out i really do give a shit. hah! maybe i just really didn't learn much. maybe my classes just sucked that much. i never hated going to class so much...

now that that's out of the way.. on to some contemplative and constructive blogging.. gyeah.

so i've been thinking about my relationships with other people. i'd say that at my age i've discovered how important relationships really are to me and that i can't just make friends for the fun of it and it's impossible to not try to establish meaningful connections and attachment. i've always thought that i had this idea that though friends i've met help make me feel good and all that jazz, that if anything were to ever happen.. like i leave or they leave somehow.. that i could easily move on and disregard it as nothing much. perhaps to avoid hard emotional loss. i'd say i've done rather well and achieving that, but at this point, i'm realizing that i really value who i am in relation to how i function as a friend and what i mean to others. whether it be friendships.. romantic relationships.. i want to be something. i know i've established this in an earlier blog.. but i just want to feel like i serve a greater purpose as a friend. right now, i think i i function as a friend that makes others happy and does nice things. i'm a good girl as a friend. especially with my guy friends. do i want more? i'm not sure. i've been single for quite a while, and i've really enjoyed it the past 6 months or so. i'm wondering if now i'm finding that i want a greater purpose. like being a great girlfriend, like i am a friend. i know i've been one in the past, but i've conditioned myself to feel like i don't need anyone and romance is not my thing. i still feel that way, but i'm not sure if theirs a void inside of me. hahaha. i'd like to not think so, and for the most part, i'm very happy alone. but i can't help but wonder what kind of gaze is bestowed upon me from the opposite sex as far as what kind of person they want me to be.

christmas, new years, winter season, valentines, and spring is nearing if not already here. all of which influence romantic relationships and all that warm and fuzziness. i wonder if i'll feel like i'm lacking even more as these events near. but i'm still young. i have my whole life ahead of me. i have priorities. but had i had someone, would my stress decrease? or increase cause relationships are complicated in general..

maybe i just need to get through this semester and stop stressing in general. all i know is i have great people in my life and the relationship i've already built are more than suffice. i'm appreciated, loved, and valued. anymore and i'm just going overboard. right?

ok. done.