something for someone.

i'd like to not have expectations for people. i'd like to say i don't. i tell people i don't. but how can you expect to not expect? expectations are one of those inevitable things. i think i confuse the term with "understanding," or i use them interchangeably.

i feel like certain people expect me to be a certain something to them. and sometimes, well a lot of times, i'd like to be a certain something for them. for instance, i'll be told how great i am. how down of a girl i am. how i have a better sense of who i am than the next chick. how i'm chill--ya dya ya dya. yeah, that's great and all and i love being perceived in a positive way. but i guess it could keep me from being what i really want to be around them for fear of being something they don't expect. and if they don't expect me to be a certain way, then it could be a bad thing. i wouldn't want them to know certain things about me, because they're imperfect. but they're just idiosycracies. and there's nothing wrong with them, right? yeah, sure.. until it gets to the point where things aren't as "chill" anymore. where the "fun" about you slowly dwindles away and then you become someone they could argue with or be annoyed with. maybe i'm obsessed with this desire.. "just wanna be liked, just wanna be funny.. looks like the jokes on me" (ha. y'like how i threw john mayer in there?).

i'm very careful with how i respond to people. especially when i feel like i could become vulnerable, when i'd be running the risk of getting too personal. but at the same time, i'd love to be the person that one could be personal with. that they'd trust their words, thoughts, idiosyncracies with. i think i'm capable of that. despite whether or not they're good or bad things. but why is it difficult? certain people, situations.. don't call for being that personal with. i understand that.. but when you graze the surface of being personal, you can't just expect me to be the "chill" or "easy-going" friend anymore.

maybe i don't really have a say in what kind of relationship i want to establish with someone. or at least that's how i feel sometimes. i'm so wrapped up in making other people happy with who they are or what the situation is. i have my own situations myself. shouldn't i satisfy that above other things? ideally. it can't really work that way. but then they should be the one to let me know when i'm going too far. when it's getting too carried away.

i don't know.. i don't know what i want to be. the "easy-going," not stirring up conflict. not challenging.. or someone that wants to let you know they're here. if you want to talk. if you want to let me in. either one is fine with me. as long as i'm something, i guess. not dangling on a string, going whichever way i'm pulled. random jerking movements of indecisiveness. i just don't want this string to be pulled so tightly that it snaps, and i decide that i don't want to waste my time. i hope i wouldn't be wasting time. i hope i invest my time, thoughts, emotions.. idiosyncracies.. wisely. before i feel like a fool..

i just know that i don't like/i don't want it to be at that point where i've given so much of myself that i've gone too far to go back.. to take things back. to have put a lot of trust, only to find that it was too much. i don't want to do too much. only enough..

perfect or imperfect. just let me know that i could be something.