i'm such a fucking idiot!

for being naive. over-analyzing. thinking things wouldn't happen to me. above anything, considering what others want as opposed to myself. i'm so tired of it, but i know nothing's gonna change. and i know i'm already putting my personal endeavors on hiatus for everyone else. why do i not have the sense to just relax for my own sake? why do i have to be such anal perfectionist/go getter? and then i'm surprised that i get stressed out and have shit happen because of my stress..

i "tried." you wouldn't want to know. but i did. and it didn't make me feel any better.

i feel like such a wimp. a coward. i said i would do everything i was supposed to do. and when it gets to too much, i freak. i can do them!! i really can. just not right now. not under these circumstances.

the worst part about all this.. i was looking for someone to pull me out. save me. the only person that i needed to be there was myself [and the Lord]. but i over-looked. i really shouldn't count on anyone but myself.