A letter to the motherland..

i wrote this for a small assignment in my asian american fiction class... i ended up expressing a lot that i never thought i would. especially for a minor assignment. i thought it would be nice to share.. kind of. i'm sorry if it's offensive, especially if you're filipino. but these are my feelings, and to an extent, they should be considered valid. this is how i experienced finding myself and my culture. it doesn't have to be yours.

Dearest Philippines,

You should have been annexed. I’m sorry to say that, but it’s true. At least you would have been more financially stable. Look at you. Dirty streets. People bathing in polluted river water. Children sharing meals with stray dogs. Westernization, McDonalds, your “Mega-mall.” We could’ve been at the same par as Japan, China or Korea. Where are you?
Don’t get me wrong... I love my heritage... but what identity do you give me? What can I say is ours? Don’t think I don’t know how things are. I visited you three times. You only loved me because I’m American. Because my skin is lighter than yours. Because my clothes are branded. Because you want to inherit my material belongings. And what have you given me? My family, yes. And I love them dearly. Yet, they’re so proud to belong to you!

But where’s our culture? Food right? Everyone loves our Lumpia, our Pancit. Come on! Other Asians have egg rolls and noodles, too! Our traditional clothing and dancing? Sure. But you adopted those from the Spanish, too. What is truly our own? Ah, Alibata. Our old writing. Filipinos used to write in characters. But what have you done to it? You’ve made it extinct. Your heart is extinct. Mine is numb to you.

You know, non-Filipinos always ask me “Where are you from?” and “What are you?” I’m from America. I’m Asian-American. You’re lucky, now I’ve gotten used to saying “Filipino-American” more. And do you know what they tell me? “You don’t look Filipino. You don’t seem Filipino.” And is that my fault? Who can blame me for being “White-washed?” or a “coconut?” Aren’t you the same thing? Always copying American things. Always idolizing what you see on American TV. Praising American pop culture. But do you really know what that culture is? LOW culture... the culture that appeals to the masses, not the ELITE.

Isn’t it a shame. I can’t speak my parents’ dialect (and it’s not “Tagalog”, the dialect you make so mainstream). I can’t pronounce Filipino words without sounding Gringo. I can’t identify myself! My country (America) is too diverse and sometimes it’s said to have NO culture. Philippines... is just a carbon copy! Almost anyone can be Filipino just like me. I know you have it in you to be different. And you are. But those aspects don’t shine.

Despite my resentment towards you, Philippines, I love you. I honestly do. Because I know without you I wouldn’t exist. I love you. It’s hard to say that to someone that’s been a part of my life, my whole life. Like my parents, who are very much a part of you. Definitely more than me. They defend you so much. And like you, they’ve been with me my whole life. But for most of my life, they haven’t expressed how they love me, especially through words. Tough love. Tough expectations. Discipline. That’s how they love. That’s how you taught them to love me.

And what do you think that kind of love does that to an Asian-American child? They think there parents don’t care! They think that all they want to do is control them and not give them their freedom! “Nothing less than A’s! Become a Nurse. Study medicine. Go to UCLA. Stanford. A top college!” They knew that wasn’t for me! They knew I wanted to be creative! They knew I was failing in their tradition. But you told them I had to follow! You told them I had to become more than what YOU were. I had to do better than YOU. I had to be better than YOU, yet still be loyal to YOU?! Do you realize what that pressure has done to me? My parents and I couldn’t stand each other throughout high school. I needed them most then. Like I needed you.

I had a coach in field hockey once. He loathed my senior class. Why? Because we wanted to be different. We wanted more for the team. We wanted to be the best! We had so much potential to win so much championships. We had the potential to go far! But he oppressed us. He loved us, but he oppressed us. Teaching us the wrong strategies, techniques... we ended up like you. We had it in us to go far as a team, but we were sold short. We tried to get a new leader. He wouldn’t retire. He wouldn’t retire until we were long graduated. And the team’s morale, and great skills were already lost. The underclassmen weren’t allowed to follow us, to learn from us, to look up to us. Because we were defiant. They didn’t know how much better they could have become.

You didn’t listen to your ancestors. You let them become ruined by colonization. You let them succumb to pressure. You told them it was okay when they were raped of their dignity.

You may think I hate you, but I don’t. You might tell people I’m not a true Filipino. That I’m against my country. You don’t realize how much I care for you. Everything I do is in conscious of you. Did you know I’m going to be a writer? I’m going to work in film. Screenwriting. (By the way, your films and television programs are poorly shot and written. No originality or ingenuity, sorry). I represent YOU. I’m going to be one of the FEW Filipinos to make it in this “biz”. To be a successful artist in my field. To represent us in a positive light. EVERYTHING I do is a reflection of you. And whether or not people see a positive or negative, it will make US better.

I am like you. I am you. I have the potential that you gave me. And I’m going to run with it. I’m going to make us shine. I wont let you down. You haven’t let me down, though it may seem that way. I know you can make things better, too. I hope you do. I’m sorry we’ve all left you. We’re all spread out in America and Australia. Nowhere near you. Our hearts are. We’re carrying you in our hearts.

I will see you next year, 2008. There is so much I look forward to in our reunion. I promise, this time I will come with more humility and appreciation. I’m older now. I’ve learned more. I’ve missed you. Until then...

Graciously,
Ading Stephanie