i really should blog more often..

my summer has been spent doing a lot of epiphanizing. i've been so eager to mold myself into a more positive person, that i've neglected to see that i already am for the most part and trying so hard has just made me more uptight. for some reason i just can't convince myself that no one is thinking that poorly of me, & if anyone is then it doesn't matter anyway. i should know that what i know of myself to be true is what matters the most.

it can be really exhausting trying to please EVERYONE. and when i think i'm not "pleasing," there's this anxiety in me that just wants to shut myself away and not make phone calls, or hang out, or spend time w/ people that might actually like to see me. i just get too worried that the most minute complaint about me has an affect on my relationship w/ the person who's complaint originates.

i read a "mother" type magazine today, and there was an article about being a girl vs. being a woman. initially, i thought my attitudes reflected those much like the "woman." much to my amazement, the woman was the person i was trying to be, but in actuality what i was doing was just being a girl. the girl apologizes for everything. avoids confrontation. doesn't accept praise, but downplays it. all because she's so concerned about what people think. i honestly thought i didn't care, but i did. maturity doesn't mean giving up yourself for others; i can't exactly say what it is yet.. but i'm sure it has something to do w/ making yourself happy above anything. somewhere in all this, happiness should lie within sharing it with others.

funny how maybe a 6 mos. or even a year ago i was such a strong-hearted person. you couldn't say anything to me to bring me down. and i thought that i was being a "bitch" for being that kind of person. there wasn't anything wrong w/ her. she was just more confident. and there it wasn't being conceited because the good person in me had a right to be happy that way. i'm going to find her again.. and you would be glad to know her.

by the way, this was going to be the part where i would apologize for myself. but instead i'd like to tell you this:

for my friends & family,

i know that i haven't been there for all of you. many of you have returned home from college, changed your life, had kids, married, fought w/ family/friends, broke up w/ a bf/gf, got a new gf/bf.. maybe i haven't been there, and i understand if you think of me that way. i also understand if you have grown to feel that i have become a friend you've once known and might not see again. i really don't want it to be that way. i hope you can understand that i am as busy as you are and things in my life have changed just as they have for you. it's hard to prioritize everything going on, but i assure you if you were to ever give me a call i would absolutely accept you into my life just as the moment you first came into it. thank you for being who you are.

stef