chaos personified.

that's pretty much life.

so i had a day long retreat full of seminars today. and what did i learn? that i'm not sure where i'm going with my life and/or how the decisions i make now shape my future. i suppose that's just something that comes with being relatively young, and i'll figure it out as i go along. but two seminars in particular [time management & self-awareness] made me realize that i don't put enough time in doing the things i really love to do. or the things i really want to do. i guess i didn't really give much thought about the things i do now. i've always felt like i've been on track, and i still feel that way.. i just don't think that i push or motivate myself to become more. potential is such a funny word. it's something that you always have, but never exactly reach. there's always room for improvement, as they say. but is there anything wrong with being content with how things are now?

as far as decisions go.. i see myself as being pretty versatile. i'm flexible, i like spontenaity and in constant need of change. i treat things almost carefree. in realizing the way i am, i've also come to find that though i'm content with my own decisions, others are affected as well. they may not see things the way i do or are as flexible and understanding as i am. i never realized how sensitive to others' ways of dealing with things is important.

i've always had this little way about me.. more like a model or a personal motto.. to live in the NOW. be in the present and just worry about that. live for today. however, i didn't know how important the future really is.. and not just 5.. 10 years from now.. but even as simply as tomorrow. i guess one thing that has kept me from being really motivated or inspired by certain things is fear or fear of the unknown. have you ever had this belief or way about you that you always stuck to? you didn't want to change this way about you? then all of a sudden, you do something.. contrary to that belief. things feel like they're messed up. like you're going against what you stand for. isn't that just called "change?" yeah it is. kind of scary. what's scarier is how to accept it. well.. like i said, i kind of like change. but when you've felt so strongly about something, then suddenly your views change cause of a decision you make.. it's really hard to go about things in the "right" way. or is there even a "right" way.

right now i'm at a point where i can't distinguish heart and mind. i don't know the difference especially when i feel something inside saying something to me. it's more difficult to listen to either when something you deemed "bad" turns out to be not so bad.. and maybe, a good thing. good things scare me. hah!

i'm really hoping the decisions i make here on out aren't jeopardizing and that whatever comes out of them, God will give me the strength to deal with accordingly. i hope people affected by my decisions understand that they were made with the desire of good intentions. of course not everything turns out that way.. i'm mostly nervous about how people will change me and how i notice them doing so.

at least i know that i'm actively making decisions and not just sitting back letting fate dictate my life. i'm glad i'm existential to some extent.. but maybe i'll also just let fate play a little role and see where it takes me.

i miss my God.

i thought about my resolutions for this year for quite some time now. i thought about how much i want to be more healthier and do more of this do less of that.. and i'm not one to even really make new years resolutions. something in me sparked some change. it wasn't much of a change. but just put more things in moderation. and in this desire to be more "moderate", there was one thing that i realized i should've made more excessive. this past weekend, for some strange reason God became more apparent in my life. it only took a discussion with people i was never that close to to make me realize that i need to return to him and make this change. there's been soo much of me that has wasted away to the temptations of college and life and i've given them all "justified" excuses, thinking that i just got older and developed a more "liberal" state of mind. ok, so granted i haven't been that bad really.. but i could have been more "good."

i know my relationship with Him still exists and that my heart and spirit is more in tune with my morals than a lot.. A LOT.. of other people i associate, so i don't feel too badly. but i remember a time when we were much closer. He was my LIFE. i LIVED for Him. i think in my mind i've decided to make a more conscious effort to keep Him in my life and become closer to him again. it kind of scares me. i know there are some things i'll give up, and some things i wont give up.. mostly because i'm unsure of myself. but just because i'm unsure of myself doesn't mean i'm unsure about Him. all my trust has been invested with Him. i know i've always wanted to be with Jesus in Heaven when i die, and being the Catholic that i am i felt like i'd go to purgatory when i die. that my soul wouldn't be pure enough to be with Him. that i could be denied at the gate. the thing i didn't realize was that i was already FORGIVEN for my sins. i just always thought i had to be existential enough to take responsibility for them anyway. God forgave me; all he asks is that i repent and walk with him in his steps. that my heart needs to be with him. it is.. it's all i want. i know i'm going to make mistakes and there are things that i may not have to will to give up.. or beliefs i have that make me unsure of myself. unsure of the sin i'm making. but God knows that about me. He knows what's in me to truly help me be with Him and LOVE him.

i've never admitted so much, and i'm sure most of you don't know this about me. i've always kept my faith to myself thinking no one would understand, and i felt that those who talked about him to those they didn't know so well were just believing in Him just to believe. as if it were some trend. i didn't want my faith to be a "trend." but i'm glad others have made me see that it's okay to talk about him and to want a relationship with Him. and to understand he's a God of mercy.

Jesus Christ, my Saviour, i love You whole heartedly and faithfully. bless everyone you've given me, and touched me so. thank You for helping me see You through others and through my own endeavors. thank You for having the confidence in knowing i had it in me, though i didn't realize it. You are my life; You are my afterlife. and i will always be Yours and praise Your name.