list of grievances [tercera parte]

today was filled with unnecessary frustration and stress.
you know how i do this, guys..
i bring you List of Grievances (part 3).
enjoy..

List of Grievances:
- not going to work when you should.
- long drives.
- money being the root of negativity.
- platonicism [that one's for you sandra].
- expectations.
- "surface" relationships.
- not knowing when you have the right to be mad.
- seeing the elderly work low end jobs.
- people that thing they have the right to say racial jokes.
-.. and people that think they're funny making racial jokes when they shouldn't.
- overwhelming internalized emotions.
- asian stigma.
- being stuck in the middle.
- knowing i need to clean my room, and still seeing it unpacked and messy.
- appeasing people.
- drivers that cut you off and drive very slowly.
- pedestrians that take advantage of their right of way.
- cigarettes (i don't know why.. i don't smoke them).
- people that don't know how to be courteous, respectful, or polite.
- white america.
- my iPod only fitting 2GB.
- having to be around someone you don't want to interact with.
- wanting people to speak up when they should.
- breaking my glass picture frames.. 3 counted.
- people being inconsiderately loud.
- drama.
- melodrama.
- a little nagging in your head that wont go away.
- being lethargic.
- hypoglycemia (don't worry, i've been eating though).
- bad first impressions of someone and having a stuck notion about them every time you talk to them.
- hearing "blah blah blah"
- outsiders trying to intervene.
- people that aren't in a place to give advice.
- paris hilton's song.
- people thinking the only fun is partying, or indulging in addictive recreational things every weekend +..
- knit-picky shit.
- an unwritten script.
- writer's block.
- interrupted in the middle of creativity.
- people trying to cheer you when you don't want it from them.
- having to come up w/ more money.
- playing telephone or grapevine.
- not having seen friends you've been meaning to.
- shorts skirts on fat thighs.
- tatoos on girls with guts.
- indulgence.
- kankles.
- friends for the sake of it (ie: saying, "we should hang out" & it never happening).
- wasting paint.
- dreaming. wishing. hoping.
- whiney "emo" music.
- the movie you went to blockbuster for not being available when you get there.
- people that are too lazy to put things back in their right place.
- the vietnamese guy that charged me for everyone's meal when i said i wanted to pay separately. twice.
- the guy that assumed i worked at tapioca express when he walked into the store.
- people that are a burden for you.
- not being 21 yet.
- feeling older, yet still feeling young.
- being the unappreciated friend.
- karaoke withdrawals.

i guess i'll stop for now. some of you are waiting for me to finish this.. geez, hold on mmkay!
and sorry, sandra, it's not as witty. you know how i'm feeling right now.

something for someone.

i'd like to not have expectations for people. i'd like to say i don't. i tell people i don't. but how can you expect to not expect? expectations are one of those inevitable things. i think i confuse the term with "understanding," or i use them interchangeably.

i feel like certain people expect me to be a certain something to them. and sometimes, well a lot of times, i'd like to be a certain something for them. for instance, i'll be told how great i am. how down of a girl i am. how i have a better sense of who i am than the next chick. how i'm chill--ya dya ya dya. yeah, that's great and all and i love being perceived in a positive way. but i guess it could keep me from being what i really want to be around them for fear of being something they don't expect. and if they don't expect me to be a certain way, then it could be a bad thing. i wouldn't want them to know certain things about me, because they're imperfect. but they're just idiosycracies. and there's nothing wrong with them, right? yeah, sure.. until it gets to the point where things aren't as "chill" anymore. where the "fun" about you slowly dwindles away and then you become someone they could argue with or be annoyed with. maybe i'm obsessed with this desire.. "just wanna be liked, just wanna be funny.. looks like the jokes on me" (ha. y'like how i threw john mayer in there?).

i'm very careful with how i respond to people. especially when i feel like i could become vulnerable, when i'd be running the risk of getting too personal. but at the same time, i'd love to be the person that one could be personal with. that they'd trust their words, thoughts, idiosyncracies with. i think i'm capable of that. despite whether or not they're good or bad things. but why is it difficult? certain people, situations.. don't call for being that personal with. i understand that.. but when you graze the surface of being personal, you can't just expect me to be the "chill" or "easy-going" friend anymore.

maybe i don't really have a say in what kind of relationship i want to establish with someone. or at least that's how i feel sometimes. i'm so wrapped up in making other people happy with who they are or what the situation is. i have my own situations myself. shouldn't i satisfy that above other things? ideally. it can't really work that way. but then they should be the one to let me know when i'm going too far. when it's getting too carried away.

i don't know.. i don't know what i want to be. the "easy-going," not stirring up conflict. not challenging.. or someone that wants to let you know they're here. if you want to talk. if you want to let me in. either one is fine with me. as long as i'm something, i guess. not dangling on a string, going whichever way i'm pulled. random jerking movements of indecisiveness. i just don't want this string to be pulled so tightly that it snaps, and i decide that i don't want to waste my time. i hope i wouldn't be wasting time. i hope i invest my time, thoughts, emotions.. idiosyncracies.. wisely. before i feel like a fool..

i just know that i don't like/i don't want it to be at that point where i've given so much of myself that i've gone too far to go back.. to take things back. to have put a lot of trust, only to find that it was too much. i don't want to do too much. only enough..

perfect or imperfect. just let me know that i could be something.

12 hours wasted.

i hate it when you waste half of your day sleeping in. you wake up knowing you should.. you have to.. do something productive, but you figure that you can just waste the rest of your day without much consequence. until you find yourself actually being productive, except it's at 12midnight and you don't sleep til 4am.. which carries over into the next morning, and SHIT! you have work. so much for doing what you wanted to do.. what you should've done. and then you complain about it on your blog when you probably really should be trying to do what you should do.

crunch time. i work well under pressure. someone pressure me.

aim

the good thing about aim sometimes
is that whoever you're conversing with
only knows what you type.

joanna has all these interesting quizzes on her blog..

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

change.

new cut. [i look like a boy..]
different hair. drastic change..
sometimes, i wish other things didn't still remain the same.
sometimes, i think i just fuck myself over on purpose.

i feel i must interject here.
you're getting carried away,
feeling sorry for yourself with these revisions
and gaps in history
so let me help you remember
i've made charts and graphs
that should finally make it clear
i've prepared a lecture,
on why i have to leave.

so please back away and let me go...

big thangs

it's past 3:30am.. why am i still up?
because i'm on a roll.

big thangs..
BIG things.

by the way, sandra is so emo.
and apparently i'm eclectic.

carte blanche

i am my own mind,
my own being
free from foreign judgements
over-riding my cognitions,
capable of accepting criticism
at my own discretion.

i am my own soul,
my own spirit
dictating my very happiness
through my conscious decisions,
no need to be appeased
but content with fulfillment carried out
through my endeavors.

i am my own heart,
my own benevolence
with genuine character
and moral understanding,
the knowing of humanity
and accepting those around
despite whether or not being accepted
for the person i am.


* so it may suck.. i don't care. i just wanted to take a stab at poetry, to vaguely depict how i'm feeling at the moment.