Lolo's Vigil

ICU and critical condition had no profound meaning to me until exactly one week ago. I stood beside his bed, astounded by the sight of him lying motionless. Tears cascaded down my face as I gently held his limp fingers and caressed his hand. The man that I thought would live forever was resting before me, sedated, and breathing his last breaths.

Upon the realization of Lolo leaving us, I immediately thought of how much I was losing and that I had taken for granted. This was the first time in a long time that someone close to me had passed away. The last time, I was too young to truly understand what a “loss” really meant. Thoughts that come naturally to humans when they lose someone close flooded my mind: I wish I would have said goodbye sooner. I should’ve said I loved him. Why didn’t I visit him earlier? But the truth is there was nothing I could really do.

However, as I reflect upon Lolo and the life that he lived, there is so much that I have from him to be grateful for. I mentioned how I imagined him never leaving us. Lolo was always a vibrant person, and he persevered through much in his life. Hospital visit after hospital visit… medicine after medicine… Despite whatever was going on with him physically, he embodied nothing less than vigorous and his courage through anything always prevailed. Never did I see Lolo sad or despairing, but rather, content and benevolent towards anyone and everyone.

Lolo “One” (as I knew him) valued family greatly, and was one that was capable of bringing people together. He was the epitome of a “MUYCO.” He was the host of countless family dinners and gatherings. Even when visiting our Aussie family down under, his name wasn’t neglected to be mentioned. As I got older, it became a habit for my cousins and me to visit him after church on Sundays to have lunch. His menu was rather predictable: mongo beans, sliced fruit, the best sticky rice I’ve ever known, and store bought fried chicken from Albertsons with potato wedges. Not to mention the pre-ordered bottles of water or orange soda we usually washed it all down with. You always knew you’d have a big appetite during any of his family gatherings because his extended version of the blessing of the food was quite long that you grew hungry by the end. It is refreshing to stand here today and see that all his friends, family, and loved ones are here gathered in his name, sharing his memories. It still holds true that he is capable of bringing everyone together.

I fondly remember Lolo as being a respectable and respected man. Though this intimidated me as I grew up, I have come to find that through his respect I have grown to be the capable person I am now. Lolo constantly reminded me while I was younger to be respectful to my parents (not to be confused with opinionated, God knows mom and dad had to deal with my mouth), and my elders. As Filipino tradition goes, whenever leaving, you had to say your goodbyes to everyone, which could be very tiring. And if you dilly-dallied any longer, you could end up saying “bye” all over again. Lolo and Lola were always reserved for last, and you could never leave without kissing their hand to your forehead, “bless you, amen.” Though simple through action, this blessing was impacting and one of the most symbolic connections I had with Lolo as his grand-daughter to her grand-father. Lolo always inquired about my well-being whenever I visited. He asked about school many times, and what I planned on doing with the rest of my life. In my last visit with him, I recall telling him how involved I was at my college and that I was working two jobs. I could never forget how his face lit up, and how proud he seemed to be of me. For the first time, I felt like I was truly making him happy as his grandchild. Even though he had no idea where Cal State Northridge is (nor does anyone else), he trusted that I was going to do well, and he’ll never know how much his support means to me. He is truly my inspiration.

One thing I’m glad Lolo passed down to us was his faith in God and Catholicism. He was notorious among the church community and my Catechism teachers even asked me how he was doing at times. His dedication to Christ was so apparent through the way he lived his life. Of course, especially when you wake up at 7am to attend church, not just on Sunday, but everyday. He gave so much love to his Lord, Jesus, and he put so much faith in Him to take care of his whole family. It was never so evident to me of how truly faithful he was until he was faced with death. It is my understanding that he was prepared for whatever outcome before going into surgery and he was ready to be with God in paradise, had that been his conclusion. He is a man worth admiring. His faith through sickness made me more faithful in God, myself. It’s reassuring knowing how confident he was, because it confirms even more that I will be with my grandfather again. That God has blessed me with an amazing person, and is taking care of us. I have no question in my mind that Lolo is in good hands. Though he will be missed on this corporeal earth, he would never be forgotten.

I suppose after this cognition, I am a contradictory to my own words. Lolo is the man that will live forever. Through his children, and grandchildren. Through our memories and actions. Lolo, you are always in our hearts. We love you and we miss you. May God grant your soul eternal rest, and I look forward to seeing you again.

God...

Even if it's "no", he's still answering your prayer.

i'm such a fucking idiot!

for being naive. over-analyzing. thinking things wouldn't happen to me. above anything, considering what others want as opposed to myself. i'm so tired of it, but i know nothing's gonna change. and i know i'm already putting my personal endeavors on hiatus for everyone else. why do i not have the sense to just relax for my own sake? why do i have to be such anal perfectionist/go getter? and then i'm surprised that i get stressed out and have shit happen because of my stress..

i "tried." you wouldn't want to know. but i did. and it didn't make me feel any better.

i feel like such a wimp. a coward. i said i would do everything i was supposed to do. and when it gets to too much, i freak. i can do them!! i really can. just not right now. not under these circumstances.

the worst part about all this.. i was looking for someone to pull me out. save me. the only person that i needed to be there was myself [and the Lord]. but i over-looked. i really shouldn't count on anyone but myself.

i enjoy being a girl :]

doris day couldn't have said it better..

so i pretty much rescind that last entry titled "i used to be fun."
i still got it.. she's just been on hiatus. and how i miss her!!

i apologize if this entry lacks substance.. i'm writing this hung over.
i just skipped worked. but well worth it.

my night in a nutshell:

two shots of soco = $0 from mitch's bottle.
covercharge = $0 [plus the bouncer totally buying my ID aha]
one AMF = $0 + it was knocked over on the floor.
another AMF twice the size = $.. ask mike. ahah
a pair of glasses i lost = $12
beer = $0 from a run in with.. let's just say an old friend.

clubbing it up with friends, dancing on top of tables and having security telling me countless times to step down, singing "bebot" to every song played regardless of what it really is, hillarious picture taking, dubbing mike and i "rice burners" with our motto "drop it like it's hot.. literally!", running into someone i used to date that fell off the face of the earth and having him say "you look good.", popping a squat with kirby in the middle of a parking lot w/ cars driving by, calling bff on his birthday i don't know how many times, resting on mitch's leg, having people tell stories to you of how crazy you were the next morning, skipping work because of a hangover but well worth it..

PRICELESS! ahaha..

round 2 tonight.

who do you tell..

so here i go again.
you know how they say history repeats itself?
that's not necessarily true. people repeat themselves.
people find themselves in similar situations they've been in before,
and then the repeat the same mistakes. i'm no exception..

i guess my problem is that i lack the courage to try and change things..
to take a risk, for fear of coming out of it in failure.
but it's better to have tried and fail, then to keep wondering that nagging question, "what if?"

it takes so much courage to put yourself in a vulnerable position, when you know in your heart that that's what it takes. and it's what you SHOULD do. though i'm scared to take that risk, i'm more scared to find that i'm not that courageous. that i'll just cowar in a corner.. and let the opportunity pass me by. sometimes opportunities don't rise, sometimes you just have to create them yourself.. right?

there's so much you should know, but the words get in the way.

i used to be fun.

where did i go?
the fun loving girl..
remember, the one you saw dancing on top of the bars?
the one first on the floor.. you could tell i pre-partied hard.
the one that grabbed the mike from the DJ to shout out her friends.
the one that you laughed at 'cause she was trying to ward off a sleazy guy hitting on her..

remember that girl?
the one that "rode elevators" in bathtubs.
the one that thought she was a sniper,
scanning hotel hallways and pointing her finger gun at potential suspects..
the girl that thought she was in a scary movie that one night after the "fourt"
worrying zombies would jump out and eat her.

remember that girl?
that would be sober just so she could drive you all around
looking for parties.
and when you've partied too hard, she would be your "sober sister"
making sure you got back safe.
the girl that impressed you with her parallel parking skills
[even though you were probably shitfaced to really tell].

puns and jokes..
going minutes on end trying to create any word that rhymed with dictionary.
the "hookah master" dropping coals on carpet and burning herself..
but then looking at her blow her "Os" without plugging her nose.

where is she now?
stuck.
between jobs.
writing her mind away. trying to see her dream through.
painting her imagination away.
hoping to sell her ideas to those who want to be trendy.

what a horrible friend she seems now.
granted she doesn't need to drink every night or weekend..
but i bet you wonder where she is sometimes.
she's still here.

i used to be fun.

these dreamers DO.

the beginning..

Wednesday Thursday Friday??!!!

l'étranger.

build-a-bear moment of the day:
me: "so hailey, what's your favorite TV show?"
hailey, age 6: "Rosanne."
me: ????
lol!

it's funny how busy the world is. how absorbed everyone is in their own lives and in such a hurry to get what they need to done, and if anyone interrupted their momentum, they'd immediately throw a fit. it's amazing how people think how others inconvenience them and that others should stop to make things easier for them. no time is allocated in their day, for even just a minute, to appreciate others that serve them voluntarily or do what they do because their job is to service others. people that have the luxury of being tended to [which is pretty much anyone] don't realize that the littlest gesture of appreciation can do so much.

today at work was a rather hectic day. customers were very ungrateful and bitchy. i came into work at the right moment when the store was a complete mess, customers were complaining, and i had to start a party right as soon as i clocked in. it's hours like this that make it quite difficult to maintain that happy "customer service" smile on your face. it's always in my nature to be kind and courteous to those i help. working at build-a-bear, you kind of have to or else you'll make a kid cry. but everyone once in a while you get adults that come in and want to make a bear themselves.

during the slow hour, a man came to me at the stuffing machine to make a bear for his sister as a birthday gift. i stuffed it, and asked him to do a heart and the corny heart ceremony. he obliged and just went along, even though he wasn't too thrilled, but after i had him do the silly routine, i told him "you're a real good sport. thanks!"

he mentioned in reply, "you have a kind attitude, and a great personality. you must be really good with kids. are you gonna work with kids in the future?"

"actually, no. i'll be screenwriting, or so i hope," i explained.

"wow! i used to write, too! keep it up! and keep up your positive attitude. i can tell you're going to be successful. i wish i had a business card on me, i'm going to have to remember you," he said.

he asked for my name, but i doubt he'd remember. but in those few minutes we spend conversing, i realized that i had met someone that may have potentially altered my life. it may seem like he may not have said much, but his kindness and appreciation meant so much to me. it was so relieving to discover that strangers could be so warm and nice, that only an archaologist discovering a new species through bone digging would understand how i feel. we didn't talk much, but those few words mean everything to me. for someone to acknowledge me as a great person in the littlest interaction.. i'm completely dumbfounded and astonished. and it makes me proud to have given that kind of impression on someone.

if only i thought to get his name. if i ever ran into him again, i would offer to buy him coffee or something. i would do anything to repay him for his kindness. but all i could do is pay it forward.

from this point on, it doesn't matter if people tell me i'm too nice. that my attitude would allow others to take advantage of me. i understand that.. sure. but to be affected through genuine kindness, i'm inspired to make someone's day, everyday. everyone deserves to feel that appreciated, even in the smallest way. knowing that strangers could still be that considerate and kind to others is worth coming across people that wouldn't acknowledge or appreciate me.

hmm..

Stephanie -- [noun]: A person of questionable sanity who starts their own cult 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

wow.

the science of sleep

holyyy crap is anyone else this excited?!?!?!?!?!?!


p.s.
i really really hate writer's block.

the perks of being a bear builder.

"i don't want a sound. mommy doesn't have money right now."
- pricilla, little asian girl

"i don't want to make a wish. i don't like wishes."
- pricilla, little asian girl

me: "do you have a name for your bear?"
pricilla: "yeah."
me: "what is it?"
pricilla: "i don't know."

christian [little mexican boy]: "are you going to be here forever?"
me: "i hope not.."

hannah's mom: "she gives letters to people she likes."
hannah's hello kitty-enveloped letter: "scribble scribble scribble."

me: "rub the heart over your armpit so your bear's never stinky."
[they actually do it too..]

me: "would you like to continue looking around? i have people waiting for me to ring them up at the register."
mental older woman: "i understand, but i don't have the time right now. i've been up since two o'clock in the morning. where is a bear that's fit for a four year old?"

me [after finishing the heart ceremony with a kid]: (stitching the bear, and patting it clean.)
kid's mom: "are you spanking it?"
me: "yeah. give it a big hug for love. spank it to give it discipline."

older kid: "you're not going to make me spin around three times are you?"
me: "no, i don't do that. that doesn't make sense. 'spin around three times so you have a hyper-active, spaztic bear?!'"

me: (walking into EXPRESS after BABW)
sales associate: you have white fuzz in your hair.
abby, manager: hello?! she just came from build-a-bear.

older customer: why is there a hole in the clothes? is that for private parts..?
kerri, manager: the tail. we're not that perverted.

me: do you have any other bears at home?
andrew, kid: yeah. i named it andrew jr.
me: what are you going to name this one?
andrew, kid: andrew jr. the second.