a tease.

i just had a dream that i got into UPenn & Penn State as transfer school. ironically the acceptance letters were inside normal sized envelopes. what a fucking tease.. ahahah.

"the ideal guy" revisited.

so i was just browsing my old xanga, and it's funny looking back on some of the things i said. it amazes me how much i liked to write back then and how i actually wrote with decent diction and content. in case you wanna catch some of my posts during high school, be my guest.. i don't mind: www.xanga.com/ipyellow. it's quite interesting actually. it's rather funny to realize how stupid i was about certain things. especially boys.. and how caught up in all that i used to be. there was actually one entry i was looking for in particular [which had me browsing in the first place]. it was a list of all the qualities i hoped for in a guy [like boyfriend]. this is what i said [i'll italicize what i think now]:

Stef's ideal guy:

looks- hott. not asian or filipino. athletic. clean. simple. nice lips. fit. nice skin. smells good! nice smile. tall (taller than me at least).

hahahah!!! it's so funny how anti-asian i was. i was soo white washed back then. i'm definitely more open minded now, but people/friends kind of only see me dating 'white guys'. as far as liking asians, i'm still a bit closed off on that.. but i don't omit them entirely. i'm just not attracted to 'typical asians' and the type that conforms to their own kind. i guess everything else still holds true. the hottness factor.. well, guys i like tend to be attractive, but if they have charisma, that's a huge plus.

personality- has charisma. funny. polite. gets along w. everyone. flexible . doesn't get jealous, yet states his claim. spontaneous :). kick back. a people person. real (doesn't "try"). generous. has game. cute laugh. can carry an intelligent conv. social. outgoing. likes animals .

haha the whole charisma thing! i'm still definitely into that. i don't think it really matters if he gets along with everyone.. i definitely don't want a prick/dick. i am pretty busy and i wouldn't want someone who needs me all the time.. so the flexibilty part applies to me now more than ever. so does the jealousy thing.. i'm pretty much friends w/ all guys. he needs to understand that. cute laugh?!?! hahah.. i don't know why that's important. and i don't care if he likes animals. has game? lol.. well, kind of. i just don't want someone who thinks they're 'pimp.'

qualities- considerate. accepting (esp. w. his friends). understanding. trustworthy. honest. loyal. selfless. respectful. open. there for you. a listener. thinks for himself. has self control. doesn't think w. the wrong "head". down to earth. educated. has concern. compassionate. security. opinionated . reliable. willing to make some sacrifices.

wow.. i think this one pretty much stays the same. accepting.. that is something that i really want, but moreso in a different way. i want to be accepted for the right reasons.. not just to fit in. i want to be accepted for unconventional qualities. there for me.. well, i don't think i need that so much now, because i rely mostly on myself to get myself together. i've become quite independent now. security?! i think i can omit that. i don't want someone to necessarily be my 'safe haven' or someone i retreat to when things go wrong. that's what my friends are for and a bf, to me, is kind of something else. willing to make sacrifices.. i think that's kind of inevitable, however, i wouldn't want him to sacrifice so much. i don't want to be appeased or have him do things just to please me. he needs to be his own person and he shouldn't have to change much for me & vice versa. and if he should change that much, he's probably not for me.

actions- good kisser. nice hugs. knows what he's doing. playful. can give massages!! buys me food :). can cook. adventurous. can hit it right ;). lol. gives you tingles.

hahaha.. can hit it right? i really don't know what the hell i meant by that. i don't think i meant it in that way then because i don't think i knew much about that stuff. it would be nice to find someone good at massages though.. cause i'm great at giving them and i can't give them to myself. definitely adventurous! i'm all about random fun and spontaneous things. gives me tingles.. hmm.. well now, not in the way that makes you giddy initially because of infatuation. i want to feel tingles when he does things no one else does. i don't know how to explain this.. like when he astounds me in a profound way that i know no one else could do. things that are cognitively appealing and makes me feel like a better person.

so with all that said, here's a revised version:

STEF's IDEAL GUY

looks: well kept. some sense of style. walks 'tall'. confident. smiles. smooth skin ;). doesn't act hard [especially in front of his friends]. smells nice. tall [like 5'9 at least. haha]. fit. athletic to an extent.

personality: CHARISMA. witty. intellectually curious. opinionated. random at times. sociable. loquacious. OPEN-MINDED. i actually am interested in someone pursuing/having a college degree. UNCONVENTIONAL. has common sense. considerate of others. doesn't jump on bandwagons. knowledgeable in music|film|art.

bf qualities: independent [isn't needy of me and understands when i want to do my own thing.] not jealous, especially of guy friends. isn't mostly attracted to the physical. doesn't call me pet names. doesn't constantly compliment me on physical features [such as pretty, hot, cute, etc.]. recognizes me on the inside. thinks for himself and makes his own decisions. isn't afraid of being wrong/right. doesn't do things to appease me. doesn't keep tabs on me. doesn't exclude me cause i'm a girl [which is understandable at times]. isn't a PDA freak. comfortable in being with my and isn't doubtful. trusting and honest [even when it would upset me].

actions: doesn't expect me to do things in return [he should want to do something for me because he wants to]. chivalrous [is that a word?]. kisses well [which means not into a lot of tongue. esp to the point where he'd stick it down my throat. gross.. but rather, soft and sincere on the lips]. playful and random.. likes to joke around. isn't afraid of being corny. surprises me w/ random things/adventures. lets me hit him [playfully] without hitting me back. takes care of me if i get too drunk.

i'll add on to this later when i think of more stuff.. but yeah. a guy like that would be nice. maybe i know him.. maybe i don't. regardless, i'm not stressing about it. he's out there and he'll find me. or i'll know it.

just getting through..

the past couple of week literally have been like riding a roller coaster! uphill climbs.. downfalls.. being on top only to fall straight back down.. but despite whatever happens, good or bad, things seem to end up going the way they should, and fortunately, in a good way. my life has truly been a blessing thus far and for the first time, i'm starting to see that i can work hard and get where i want to be. it's truly relieving and it makes me proud.

downs:
- getting kicked out of my apartment
- financial rut with paying for the new house, rent, deposit, overcharged on my bank account..
- finding shit out regarding someone you put a lot of trust in and held with high regards.
- being unable to let out how i really feel to those that probably deserve to know.
- feeling like i'm still financially dependent and shameful about it.

ups:
- finding a new place! i love it.
- getting hired by EXPRESS and Build-A-Bear Workshop.
- being supported by my brother and mom.
- having someone to tell a lot of things to without being judged.
- being able to spend time w/ those that make me happy.

i really don't understand how people can just sit and mope about how their life could suck or how things aren't going in their favor. i mean, sure it's necessary sometimes, but i really don't get why people can't pick themselves up. i guess i have some sort of biased because growing up [asian] i was disciplined differently. my parents were a lot harder on me than the average whitebread american kid. some people really don't understand how lucky they are to have parents that do so much for them and look out for their best interest. if your parents tell you they love you despite whatever you do, consider yourself rich! i know it sounds weird to actually be glad that my parents treated me the way they did in high school.. and trust me.. it was really difficult for me.. but i'm really thankful. i don't think i could have the same outlook on my life without it. i have so much to be appreciative for, and i truly feel spoiled, but in a good way. it's great knowing that you have it good, probably even better than some other people, but realizing that you're blessed. and it took a lot to get where i am now. i know i still have a long way to go, but i'm motivated more than ever to stick things out and perservere through anything.
i hope everyone else can realize that.

and another one..

THE ULTIMATE L0VE SURVEY:


How many times can you honestly say you've been in love??
once or twice

Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
i'm not sure about this whole soul-mate deal..

Do you think that you should become friends with someone first?
not necessarily

Have you ever had your heart broken?
umm.. probably more like heartache..

What do you think about long-distance relationships?
depends on how much work you wanna put into it.. it could work to your benefit sometimes

Your thoughts on online relationships?
"you're just jealous because i've been chatting online with hot babes all day"

Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger?
older

Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
sigh..

Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always a cheater"?
no.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt & you cried?
well, not for the sole reason that i loved the person

Who is ur ex?
he knows.

Why did you break up?
well.. if you're talking about my last ex.. i really didn't have a choice.

How many kids do you want to have?
three.

Is there someone who you like at the moment ?
sure.

What are your views on gay marriages?
doesn't bother me, personally

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
maybe.

Have you ever given or been given roses?
yes, but it's a rare thing.

Are you the one who makes the move or do you wait for them to make the move?
him.

What is your all time favorite romance movie?
amelie. seredipity. casablanca.

Imagine you're 79 years old & your spouse of 60 years has just died. Would you remarry?
probably not.

Is remarriage betrayal?
i don't know.. i'm not even thinking about marriage?!

At what age did you start noticing the opposite/same sex?
probably 5th grade

Are most high school kids infatuated or in love?
infatuated. some can be in love i guess.

What's the longest you've ever liked someone?
well.. if nothing happens in about a month, i'm over it.

Would you give up everything for love?
no!!!

Will your life be incomplete without love?
maybe. i'm fine if i never get married

What do you notice first in a guy/girl?
charisma. smile. style.

What do you like most about your crush?
he makes me laugh & smile.

Do they know?
nobody knows it but me..

Do you have a gf/bf?
no

Do you want to get married?
it's a nice thought.

Who told you he/she loved you last?
i'm not sure.

Last person who hugged you?
i think it might have been matt.

because i'm tired of posting stuff like this on myspace..

T h e C a n s

Can you blow a bubble? [with what.. i guess so]
Can you dance? [i love dancing and i would say i can :D]
Can you do a cart wheel? [yes.. and the last one i did was a landing into a swimming pool]
Can you roll your tongue? [yes but only because it's hereditary]
Can you touch your toes? [yes. i'm quite flexible]
Can you whistle? [yes]
Can you wiggle your ears? [no, i'm not will smith]

T h e D i d s

Did you ever get into a fight in school? [no]
Did you ever eat a pie? [i love pies]
Did you ever run away from home? [no]
Did you ever want to be a doctor? [no]
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? [no]
Did you have a party for your last birthday? [i celebrated with friends.. it was kick back and chill. i loved it. and i had dinner w/ la familia]
Do you know how to drive? [yes.. do i drive well? that's another question. haha. no i'm pretty good though]
Do you like Roller coasters? [yes, but i haven't been on one in a while]
Do you own a bike? [yes. a cruiser. i love it :D]
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality TV shows? [maybe.. some stuff are delicacies in the motherland]

T h e D o e s

Does hair loss run in your family at all? [i don't think so.. my hair is really think, so i'm not worried]
Does your car get good gas mileage? [i drive an SUV.. enough said.]
Does your family have family picnics? [not really, unless it's a birthday party]

H a s

Has anyone ever given you flowers? [yeah]

T h e H a v e s

Have you everbeen on a plane? [of course]
Have you ever been asked out? [yes]
Have you ever asked someone out? [yes, actually]
Have you ever been to the Ocean? [yes. cali]
Have you ever gone fishing? [yes.. just caught one of those carpers.. or whatever they're called]
Have you ever painted your nails? [yeah, not fond of it though]

T h e H o w s ..

How many different houses have you lived? [3, all of which my parents have owned.. and then a dorm. then an apartment.]
How tall are you? [5']


A L a s t..

Last song you listened to?
[broader than broadway- barrington levy]


T H E W H A T S . . .

What did you wear to bed last night? [my grey tank i still haven't changed out of and boxers]
What Radio Station do you listen to? [i don't listen to the radio]
What was the last book you read? [the zombie survival guide- max brooks]
What was the last restaurant you ate at? [harney's.]
What was the last thing you bought? [carl's jr.]
What was the last thing you had to drink? [water]
Whats the last 4 numbers of your phone number? [****]
Whats the first 3 numbers of your phone number? [838]

T H E W H O S

What friend have you known the longest? [samm]
Who was that last person you IMed? [sandra]
Who was the last person you talk to on the phone? [jin]

i want to tell it to you to your face..
but i don't have the guts to.