decisions

the toughest thing to come to terms with [as of right now] is realizing that the decision i made 3 months ago might have been a mistake. that's the problem with not knowing what the future entails; you can possibly stuck with the binding consequences.

what's even harder is listening to those that care about you and tell you opposite of what you want to hear. you completely understand their advice and agree, but somehow you still end up doing the exact thing you shouldn't. er, at least i do.. i've felt like i'm an exception and i can change things for the better. that's just been my luck ever since i can remember. but obviously, i can't expect things to turn out for the better. i just have to wave the flag and give up, and sometimes that's okay, right?

i know i know i'm a mess..

na na na na-na-na-na.. hey, [your name here]!

so as it seems, boys and girls, this week's lesson was "stef, you're too nice."

i really couldn't hear enough of it.. and it really did get redundant among the people that know and care about me those most. it's true though.. i have been too nice.

but i can't help but wonder why everyone else who isn't "too nice" feels they must put up this guard. this wall to save themselves from vulnerability.

do you ever feel like people are only cold to keep themselves from giving in? i can't lie and say that i haven't done it.. but i just can't accept hearing "too nice."

yes i am. so what? what's wrong w/ that?

because i actually gave part of myself away? because i put myself out there and got burned? yeah i know. and yeah.. it hurts.

but it's only a bad thing when you can't pick yourself up, collect your pieces.

he shattered me when i was vulnerable, i know that. but that doesn't mean i'm weak.
i'm weak if i just let myself fall completely. i'm weak if i can't allow myself to feel the knife, and then pull it out myself.

it hurts to know he messed up a good thing.
it hurts that he doesn't understand how to nurture a relationship.
it hurts that he has to be cold to be fine.

yeah..

but to let someone ruin my open-ness and compassion..

that would be the ultimate downfall.

the 5001th time.

today reminded me of that episode of scrubs w/ a cameo of michael J. fox. eliott forgot how to do a simple medical procedure, even though she's done it 5000 times. it was just that this one time she messed up and almost cost her.

as for me, how hard is it to park in a garage? how do you mess that up? so my car is a long suv, and i decide to park on the non-tandem side with a bbq in front of me. afraid of hitting the bbq, i didn't park close enough in and as i closed the garage, the door coming down hit my windshield wiper. thank God only my windshield wiper.. it was embarassing enough that there were these macho construction workers outside that saw the whole thing and laughed.

i'm really not that bad of a driver.. (o'_'o) <-- that's a flushed face.

i really should blog more often..

my summer has been spent doing a lot of epiphanizing. i've been so eager to mold myself into a more positive person, that i've neglected to see that i already am for the most part and trying so hard has just made me more uptight. for some reason i just can't convince myself that no one is thinking that poorly of me, & if anyone is then it doesn't matter anyway. i should know that what i know of myself to be true is what matters the most.

it can be really exhausting trying to please EVERYONE. and when i think i'm not "pleasing," there's this anxiety in me that just wants to shut myself away and not make phone calls, or hang out, or spend time w/ people that might actually like to see me. i just get too worried that the most minute complaint about me has an affect on my relationship w/ the person who's complaint originates.

i read a "mother" type magazine today, and there was an article about being a girl vs. being a woman. initially, i thought my attitudes reflected those much like the "woman." much to my amazement, the woman was the person i was trying to be, but in actuality what i was doing was just being a girl. the girl apologizes for everything. avoids confrontation. doesn't accept praise, but downplays it. all because she's so concerned about what people think. i honestly thought i didn't care, but i did. maturity doesn't mean giving up yourself for others; i can't exactly say what it is yet.. but i'm sure it has something to do w/ making yourself happy above anything. somewhere in all this, happiness should lie within sharing it with others.

funny how maybe a 6 mos. or even a year ago i was such a strong-hearted person. you couldn't say anything to me to bring me down. and i thought that i was being a "bitch" for being that kind of person. there wasn't anything wrong w/ her. she was just more confident. and there it wasn't being conceited because the good person in me had a right to be happy that way. i'm going to find her again.. and you would be glad to know her.

by the way, this was going to be the part where i would apologize for myself. but instead i'd like to tell you this:

for my friends & family,

i know that i haven't been there for all of you. many of you have returned home from college, changed your life, had kids, married, fought w/ family/friends, broke up w/ a bf/gf, got a new gf/bf.. maybe i haven't been there, and i understand if you think of me that way. i also understand if you have grown to feel that i have become a friend you've once known and might not see again. i really don't want it to be that way. i hope you can understand that i am as busy as you are and things in my life have changed just as they have for you. it's hard to prioritize everything going on, but i assure you if you were to ever give me a call i would absolutely accept you into my life just as the moment you first came into it. thank you for being who you are.

stef

a survey.

1. Who were you with Friday night?
sisters- xi champs.
the school & moreso, christian and bon- matador nights/dance room.

2. What woke you up this morning?
beans. then justin timberlake.

3. Where are you?
bathroom. toilet. i kid you not..

4. Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
i anticipate it to be so.

5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
briefly.

6. When's the last time you cried?
:: shrugs ::

7. What were you doing at 10 last night?
eating with beans & my little.

8. What were you doing at midnight?
knocked out while watching the office.

9. Ever thrown up from a rollar coaster or an amusement park?
no.

10. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
everything i have to get done within the next week.
and my birthday. :)

11. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
"anyone?" hmm.. i think so. i feel pretty comfortable with my life and how i've lived it thusfar.

12. Where would you like to live?
australia. new york. or anywhere where tax isn't included.

13. What kind of home would you like?
a cozy home.

14. What do you want to be when you grow up?
entrepreneur.

15. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
at 26.. i better be done with college. in my career.
hopefully having my own place, or at least renting one.
as far as marriage and family.. ehh.. we'll see.

16. Who is your number one on myspace?
it's a tie :P

18. What is the longest you have gone without checking your myspace?
haha i agree w/ mare.. when i tried to give it up for lent.

19. who was the last person that left you a comment?
jin.

20. Are you friends with this person?
we're friends at convenience, but it's pleasant when we actually hang out.
i'm hoping business partners in the near future.

21. How often do you log in to myspace?
enough. probably once a day. i love it when i'm really busy and i can avoid it.

22. What do you like to do in the car?
everything you're not supposed to do:
eat, text, scan my iPod.
i like to sing, 'cause no one's listening [of course].

23. Do you like candy necklaces?
i don't like candy so much.

24. When was the last time you fell over or ran into something?
i do this all the time..
i think most recent was a couple nights ago when i slipped on a plastic bag on the floor and fell. beans laughed at me. thanks.

25. Do you listen to music every day?
i can't do w/o it.

26. Do you still go trick-or-treating?
mmm.. no.

27. What was the last thing you ate?:
chipotle salad.

28. Is it the weekend?
almost halfway there.

29. What are you doing tonight?
homework. errands.

30. What's your favorite soda?
don't drink soda.

31. Ever moved?
yes.

32. Favorite sport to watch?
boxing [it's a family thing], basketball, soccer.
live- any of the above, football, track, martial arts, & fieldhockey [i played in hs]
no baseball, please. if you need an inning to get up and stretch, it must be boring..
i'll go to a stadium to eat and.. to eat.

33. What do you want to do right now?
sleep? i don't mind doing what i'm supposed to be doing..
i just might have a food coma and pass out before i get to it.

34. Are you listening to music right now?
kc accidental- bss

35. Do you like summer break or Christmas break better?
i like both, but winter break more because i appreciate seeing loved ones more.

36. What was the last movie you watched?
300. again. SPARTAAAA!

38. What time is it?
10:51pm

39. What is your pet peeve?
double dipping when you're sharing food.
public displays of grossness.. (ie: nose picking).
redundant, simple questions.

40. What song makes you cry?
"On Eagle's Wings"
if you're Catholic, you know.

41. What song makes you happy?
everything.
one in particular when i'm lovin' life: love.life.music- justus league.

42. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
it depends.

43. What does your CD player have in it right now?
i listen to my iPod. i would say a CD, but beans took the ones in my car.

44. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
teal. seafoam green.

45. What makes you happy?
good karma. spirituality.
family. good company.
love personified.

47. What is your car's name?
never named it, it wasn't mine to begin w/.

48. What is your dream car?
a scion TC, or prius hybrid.
i just want to keep it simple.
and save gas, cause my 4runner kills it like no other.

49. What is your favorite state?
contentment.
oh, you mean a united state.. new york. mass. california. hawai'i.

50. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
australia. africa.

51. What is the farthest from home you have ever been?
hawai'i and new york.

short and sweet.

it's kind of funny how the quality of something is measured by how long it lasts.. but when you have something for a little bit, you got it because you enjoyed it to begin with. so in that little time that you may have it, does it not have just as much quality? it should be that good nonetheless. or that's what i hope..

i used to have a LG white chocolate phone. man, how i loved it. it was perfect, exactly what i've been wanting in a phone. i loved how it was a slider phone, and the touchpad was perfect when i wanted to be discrete about texting in class.. haha. i had awesome ringtones too. and all of a sudden i lose it.. just like that. w/o even realizing it. funny thing is, i have no idea how i lost it. i couldn't recall what i did wrong. i had it in my hand, then i literally don't know. it was with me and it just disappeared. there really wasn't anything i could do to fix the situation. so eventually, i ended up back to my old days w/o my white chocolate.

what relevance does any of this have? i don't know.. i'm just rambling.
i guess i was just nostalgic. after losing something i really liked. and once it was gone.. i was just numb. sure i kind of "lost it" when i lost it. but after that, it was hard to really be upset. just numb.

i guess this is all a metaphor of what you go through in life.. or part of it.

get ready! MAY 15th

soo..
my birthday's coming up and if you're stuck on what to get me here's a list of ideas:
- dog. small pup. like a yorshire terrier
- professional hair straightener [you know the ones at the malls that have their own booths]
- digital camera
- rainbow sandals [size small]
- bucket of fries from mcdonalds [mike tu already has this one covered, though]
- earrings
- a tokidoki messenger bag or gym duffle bag [from my store]
- harajuku lovers windbreaker [from my store]
- a coach handpurse or handbag [never had one before]
- letters.
- bedsheets
- tiffany's necklace. like the starfish one [never had tiff's either.. but not really caring to have it. just a suggestion]
- additional chips for a magic mic [like 80s songs, or newer songs]
- protective gear for my macbook pro
- first and second season of The Office on DVD
- chipotle [i eat there a lot.. that's all.]
- the lamb or turtle from build a bear [i might just get myself the lamb though.. i'm really desperate for it]
- victoria's secret pink or sexy purfume
- a card [i always love getting cards and i collect/keep them]
- a mini nano with 4GB.
- sheesha [hookah flavors]
- new verizon cell phone. LG or samsung.

do NOT get me:
- clothes [i'm very particular with what i wear and you might get me something i wouldnt be caught dead in. even if it's from A&F and you like it.]
- artwork [unless we've had a discussion personally on art, do not get me art.. i'm critical with what i think is good.] but if you give me your own work i think that would be sweet.
- CDs [i don't listen to them. i listen to my iPod]

of course, i don't expect anyone to pay so much for me. i'm not expecting big things. small things make me happy too. these are just stuff i wish i could get myself.. but can't.

as for my plans, i'm going to vegas the 18th-21st for sure. if you could make it that would be lovely.
i'm thinking of having dinner on my real birthday, and go clubbing in LA sometime in the month. i know people are busy so if you can't make it i wont be but hurt.

i hope you could be part of the festivities somehow :D

i'll be 21 so i'm gonna do it big!